A series of random thoughts, of glimpes of my demons, and of the fragile hope that I hold onto

I thought about something Donald Miller said when I went to the arts conference. He talked about how before the fall of man God was in constant communion with man. There was direct communcation between the Father and man. The Father spoke and man heard clearly. And when Adam and Eve sinned that direct communcation with the Father was destroyed. I remember this because Donald talked about how God would speak into man's life and give him direct guidance and direction and when sin came into the world that relationship was destroyed. Of course Jesus gave us this opportunity once again when He died on the cross, but this is something that I have been thinking about recently. I just want someone to tell me what to do. I think about my future career and I want guidance and direction in my life. And before Donald presented the idea that I just told you, I did not realize that the reason why I always want advice is because there is a place in my soul where God should be speaking directly in my life and guiding and directing me.
The last few days have been spiritually unbearable. I have longed and yearned for Jesus to the point where I thought my soul would explode within me. It is like being really thirsty and not having any water. I pine for Jesus. There are not even words to describe the longing and desire that I have for Him right now. And it makes me frustrated because I call out to Him and it just does not seem like He is listening. Of course this is not true and faith is being sure of what you hope for and CERTAIN of what you cannot see. I know when He calls He comes to me. But how my soul longs for Him. I know what David meant when he said I long for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I know this is just a random assortment of my thoughts, but one thing that I have found over the years is that NOTHING satisfies except for Jesus. Right now I would give anything to eat sugar, but there is a part of me that knows that what I need is Jesus and not food. And believe me that is a truth that I have paid a hefty price to learn.
I hate going on roller coasters with my relationship with Christ. I hate having an emotional, intimate encounter with God and then being on fire for God for awhile. Then it is like I am walking down a path and I am looking straight ahead and then something off to the side catches my eye. I tend to be distracted by shiny things. And then there is a part of me that wants to rebel. See I have been living with so many rules for long. I went to a private school and they make up all kinds of silly rules. I found safety in rules. For example, I love driving and I love following the rules when I drive. I find comfort in the fact that I follow rules. I love going the speed limit and being courteous to other drivers. I love driving and following rules. The are safe. I know that if I get in my car and follow all the rules then I will be safe. But the only problem is that other people do not like to follow the rules and because of that they can endanger me. But the point is that I have followed rules for so long and I get tired of it. It is not the rule that is important, but it is the principle behind it or at least that is my opinion. But there are times when I want to rebel. I get tired of following all these silly rules. I get tired of trying to be perfect ALL the time.
I try to figure out where these silly ideas come into my head. And this one was engrained in my head when I was younger. My dad used to yell at me all the time if my room wasn't clean or if I did not do my chores. I hate being yelled at and I hate it when people raise their voices at me. So I did everything I could to try to please my dad and I did this by trying to be perfect and follow all the rules. I was a good child as was to the best of my ability. I tried to win the favor of my dad by being perfect in and of myself. Well it did not work because I could not change myself. I did not want to get yelled at, but I had a hard time going into my room and cleaning it because I got distracted very easily. Shiny things really do distract me.
So when I came to the Father whom I love, God, I tried to do the same thing. I tried to be perfect because I did not want Him to get mad at me or punish me. And if you ever heard thunder I imagine that is very similar to what God's voice sounds like when He yells. But our Heavenly Father is not like that. And I tried and still do try to be perfect and change myself in and of my own strength. See I figure that God told us all the rules and it was up to me to come before Him and obey them and be perfect. It was as if he gave me a book containing all the rules of driving and expected me to know how to run and operate a car. But Abba is nothing like that. He says, this is what you need to do, but you can't do it in your own strength. And He takes our hand and He guides and directs us. He never leaves or lets go of our hand.

Where my problem therein lies is that I depend too much on myself to be perfect. I am a very independant person. I learned early on not to trust man. As man rejected me I ran to the arms of Jesus and came to know Him as my best friend, but along side that relationship there was a seed that was planted. This seed was a seed of pride or independance, whatever one choses to call it. I don't need people in my life. I chose to let them in, but I don't need them. I have Jesus. That being said I have become even more dependant on myself to become the woman of God that I should be. And unfortunately that means that I try to work out my own salvation instead of depending on God. There are many times when I have a hard time trusting God. I have always struggled with the idea that He has good things in store for me and that He loves me. I know the pain of carrying my cross, but I don't fully understand the resurrection and coming into the Father's presence as a good and faithful servant. I want to trust Him more than anything in this world.
Most days I feel like a diamond in the rough. I feel like I am overlooked so much that no one sees that someday I will be an amazing woman of God. But that is a silly thought, I know. It doesn't matter what people think or see me as, I know the truth and so I wait for the day when God will present me before the world as His beautiful, priceless treasure. But I know that they will trample me and never see the beauty that God has placed in me. They rejected me ever since I was little and I do not expect them to open their arms wide to embrace me. I just wanted all the people who hurt and rejected me to see just for a moment how valuable I actually am.
But see I know that it will never happen and that is ok. God showed me even when I was a child that the world would pass me over and it makes me long even more for the acceptance and approval of Christ. I am not so vain to think that I need to receive my praise from man. But it comes back to the principle I was talking about in the beginning about the direct communication with the Father. And that includes the desire to be accepted. When we establish that direct communication with the Father He is the one whom we get our praise from. We long for approval from man because we lost that from God when man fell. So instead of looking upward for fulfillment we look around and now the trend has been to look within.
One of the illustrations that Donald Miller used was the idea of Jesus standing in a circle. Jesus is saying that everything outside that circle is broken and has fallen, but if we come to Him, if we step inside that circle and marry Him we can be made whole.
Today is Good Friday and as I sit here and think about it, I really think of it as just another day. It disheartens me that I do not fully understand the significance of this day and what Christ did on the cross. I have heard the message of the cross a thousand times and I think that somewhere along the way I forgot to listen with my heart. I am not saying that I am not grateful for what He did for me, but rather that I long to know the nail pierced hands that were scarred for me. I long to kiss the head once crowned with thorns. I long to embrace and understand the cross and the blood of the lamb. Beloved, I believe that we do not fully understand the power of the blood of the lamb and the victorious lifestyle that we have access to in His name. He did not just save us from sin, but also from DEATH. And we know that sin produces death. The point I wish to illustrate here is that we constantly struggle with these desires and longings that lead to death and Christ has freed us from those. Not to say that He has freed us from ever having these longings or desires, but He overcame the world. He said fear not my little ones for I have overcome the world. He has given us power to overcome our flesh and the death that it perpetually spins toward.
I want to live in victory. I am tired of being lead from lust to lust, fulfilling the desires of the flesh. Victory is mine and the battle is the Lords. As I said before this is a somewhat random blog, but right now I want to pray with you. Lord Jesus, we come before You and I thank-you for the cross. I thank-you for Your precious life and the blood that You spilled for us. I just ask that you would break any strongholds that the enemy has in our lives. Help us embrace the cross and what You did for us. We chose to live in victory and I plead Your blood over us and I ask for freedom. Unveil our eyes so that we might understand what You did for us on the cross and the power of Your precious blood. We love you, amen.
So that is enough of my soul for one evening. I love you so much and I pray that the Father would embrace you and that you would feel the extent of His love for you as you go forth this day.