Words

Once I start pouring out my thoughts it seems as though I cannot stop. I would much rather write to an audience so at least maybe someone can be encouraged or challenged by what I have to say.
Today as I was walking to school I thought about words. I thought about how our speech has the power to bring life or death. Recently I discovered how deadly a weapon the tongue truly is.
I never meant to hurt him. It was completely an accident. If you knew me then you would know how much I adore people and I love to love them. But this was not an act of love. I knew something personal about him and while he never said it was a secret I knew to keep my mouth shut. But after awhile it started to become a burden on me. I began to see how it was affecting other people that I loved. I saw how it was hurting them.
I talked about it with a few people. I am not going to downplay the seriousness of the matter. I gossiped. I did not control my tongue and told a few people about what had happened. If anything it was more to get advice as what I should do. I saw the hurt and pain that it would cause some of my friends in the future. I did not want anyone to get hurt. And I knew these people could keep a secret. I assured them that I did not tell secrets and that I was a trustworthy person. I still think that I am.
That is the thing with gossip and telling secrets. They never keep hidden for long. The next thing I knew David was standing in my kitchen telling me about how gossip was bad. I was fighting back tears, but he didn't know. I don't try to hurt people, but sometimes it just happens. And I didn't want David to look down on me because of what I had done. I wanted his respect. I still can hardly look him in the eye.
I destroyed a relationship with a friend because I could not keep my mouth shut. The wounds that the tongue can bring are not healed by the band-aid of an I am sorry. I learned that too soon. I did feel sorry. It was not because I was in trouble. It was because God put His thumb on an issue in my life as Kathryn would say. God must have really big thumbs because it really hurt.
It made me think of the time when my cat relieved herself in my parent's bedroom. When my mom found out she was livid. She grabbed the cat by her neck, rubbed the cat's nose in the urine, and threw her outside. The cat did not come inside for a whole day. And when she was finally let in again she would cower and avoid my mother. She was scared of my mom because my mom had punished her.
I knew how the cat felt over Christmas break. I lowered my head in the presence of God. I was scared of him and ashamed of myself. He was so pure and perfect and I was dirty. It was enough to make me realize the error of my ways. But God has a funny way of bringing these things to our attention. I found a book at home by Joyce Meyer. God must have had me in mind when He gave her the title because, as I told David, it was named after me. "Me and My Big Mouth" was the name of the book. I looked up at God and said yeah I get the point.
When I skimmed through the pages I learned about gossip. I discovered that it poison people's souls. It taints our images of other people. At that moment I remembered people that I had heard gossip about. I realized that it did mar my view of them in some respect. I recalled countless tales of how people told me of when someone had not loved them well and it made me mad. And I did not like these people for what they had done to others that I loved.
I wish I could say that everything worked out between my friend and I, but that has not happened. I told my friend I was sorry, but sorry does not cover betrayal. With my tongue I inflicted a wound on my friend that may take some time to heal and so I reap the repurcussions of my actions.
The good news is that the tongue can also bring life as well. When God created the Universe He did not use His hands or the angels to construct the world. All He needed to do was speak. It was the Word of God that created the Universe. There is power in words. And so as I walked to campus today I thought about that. I thought about how much God loves me and all I have to do is ask of Him and He will take care of my requests.
I have started praying for specific people and places again. One place that is dear to my heart is Europe. Ever since I was a little girl I was fascinated with England especially. No one knows this, but when I went to Europe a few years back I cried when my plane landed in London. I knew how much God loved these people and I loved them so much as well. When I pray for Europe I ask for revival and salvation to come upon those people. And the amazing part about it is that God hears me and will take care of these people. All I had to do was ask.
Marnee and Stefanie are the most beautiful people in the world to me. I love them more than anything on this earth and I feel priveleged that God as allowed me to be able to reflect God's love to them. But there are times when I want to help them and I can't so I pray for them. It is hard to believe that with a few words God can do miracles, but I have to believe this. I have to believe that God is who He says He is and that He will answer my prayers even when I cannot see Him doing so.
There is an unseen power in words. Both the power to bring life and the power to bring death. I wish I could say that I have used my words for more good than for bad, but then that would be untrue. I am sarcastic and I can be mean if the occasion arises. I have said more things to hurt than I have to bring healing. I have gossiped more than I have prayed. And yet another word comes to mind and behind it is a power so great that I can barely comprehend it. Grace.